This post is heavy at first… but give it a chance. Read to the end.
I’ve been spiraling down into this depression for weeks. It’s been a slow fade. I fought it for a long time because I haven’t visited here in years, and quite frankly I was shocked to find myself in the old neighborhood. Those who don’t suffer from depression have a tough time understanding it. Others have described it as a stubborn darkness. In my mind, depression is very much like an old, rickety house of an aging, dysfunctional aunt. The one who made your skin crawl as a kid. The house is unkept and dilapidated, dark and ominous. Continue reading
Even in the heart of depression, Lord, you are faithful. You are there, running to me with open arms.
RUNNING. TO. ME.
Chasing me down. Holding me up and cupping my face in Your hands saying, “Daughter, I will never leave you. I will never forget you. You are ever on My mind and always in My heart. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know it hurts. Believe Me, no one understands sorrow and loss like I do. Let Me hold you and encourage you with My words, My love and My Unshakeable Joy.”
Jesus, You do not distance Yourself though my heart is wandering
You move in closer than my breath when I regard Your promises
Closer than my thoughts when I saturate this sadness with Your Word
More present than my own heartbeat when I stay fixed on You
Lord Jesus, You are Good.
You are strong when I am weak.
Expanse of Sky to my dust
Rage of Ocean to my lone pebble on the shore…
In the midst of sadness
This is the third poem in a 4-part series on the concept of AROMAS… and how scents can trigger old things. Good things, bad things, Great Things. Look for the final installment on Thoughtful Thursday and you can find the other two under the “Poems” menu tab on the home page. Don’t worry, they aren’t all this intense. But I believe the mark of a strong mama is an emotionally healthy mama, and in order to be that we have to go to the dark places and slaughter the demons. I refuse to be afraid of the pain. I will face it head on and Christ will meet me and fight for me in the places of agony. And, funny thing, they become very tiny once Jesus has had His Way in those areas of my heart. He is Light and light reveals so healing can take place. This poem is just a reflection on an old pain. Don’t fret for me. I’m at peace with my past, have forgiven my abuser, had tons of Christian counseling and am a whole woman in Christ.
i had never known another human who used so much cologne all over your body several times a day even the private places you slathered with scent and when you were done exacting your perversions on my child-frame your scent lingered like a cloak of filth like the embrace of shame you left on my personhood time after time and your man-stench was so hard to get off no matter how hard i tried it just clung and closed in like a tomb enveloping me in the thick silent rage of self-loathing
If this poem triggers something for you and you live in the Baltimore/DC area please, PLEASE find help here. For national help look here. For my readers in Europe I tried to find resources for you but to no avail. Please get help and know if this is your issue and you reply to this post I will pray for you. You are not alone and healing, forgiveness and healthy relationships are possible!